One of the difficulties most often mentioned when expatriating is that of succeeding in cultivating and maintaining quality relationships, despite the distance and the diferences in our lifestyles!
On expatriation, the challenge of long-distance relations.
Although today's technology allows us to stay connected, it's often difficult to cultivate friendships when we're far away. The situation is particularly difficult for multi-expatriates who regularly change country of residence and make friends in the four corners of the world!
Long-distance relations are complicated by a number of practical aspects. They differ depending on where you are on the planet: the time difference, the quality of the internet connection, shifted weekends and so on.
Above all, there is often the challenge of the differences in lifestyle and experience.
Humanitarians often feel out of step with their friends and family back home. They sometimes have the impression that their loved ones don't understand and aren't really interested in what they do. What's more, their intense professional commitments often leave them little time and energy for regular exchanges.
Accompanying partners who live in a ‘postcard-like’ country sometimes feel that those around them envy them. Above all, they feel that their loved ones do not see the difficulties and challenges they face daily. It's true that expatriate spouses often feel very isolated, due to a lack of appreciation and understanding of the issues involved in their status as accompanying spouses.
For internationally mobile expatriates, the challenges are quite like those already mentioned. They are often short of time, with very demanding professional schedules. For all of them, there is also the need to free up time in their host country, to build up a good social network in the country of expatriation!
Cultivating long-distance friendships is a real challenge. When it doesn't work out as you'd hoped, it's unfortunately also often the source of a great deal of guilt. Even more reason not to neglect this area of our lives!
Cultivating long-distance relations is important, because it has an undeniable impact on your well-being and level of happiness.
I'll tell you more in this article.
The importance of taking care of our relationships.
What do you think separates happy people from unhappy people?
The answer to this question can be found in the findings of the longest-ever study on happiness, conducted by Harvard University. It has been going on for 80 years! Over all these years, the lives of 724 people have been scrutinized in detail. This research has made it possible to collect a vast amount of data to understand what differentiates happy people from unhappy people.
The conclusion of this research is that: the 1st factor that influences our level of happiness is our social relationships!
This research also highlights three key lessons:
- Being socially connected is good for us, while solitude is bad for our health. People who are socially connected to their family, friends and community are not only the happiest, but also the healthiest and live the longest.
- When it comes to social relationships, quality is more important than quantity. Living in warm, trusting relationships has a protective effect. The individuals most satisfied with their social relationships at the age of 50 were also those in the best health at the age of 80.
- Quality social relationships protect not only our bodies, but also our brains. People with stable social relationships, or who know they can count on others when they need them, have a much better memory.
This research reminds us how important it is, as expatriates and despite the challenges, to cultivate our friendships and relationships with others!
I'd like to suggest a few ideas, focusing on long-distance relationships for this article.
As expats, how can we cultivate our relationships despite the distance?
Prioritize quality over quantity... and let go.
Knowing that quality takes precedence over quantity is good news for expatriates. Yes, we've all experienced it, expatriation leads to a natural sorting out: whether we like it or not, we lose friends along the way. The distance and gap between people's lives affects some relationships. On the other hand, the friendships that last despite the distance are the ones we can really count on. These are our quality relationships!
In over 25 years of expatriation, in 12 different countries, I've realized that from each expatriation I've only kept one or two strong friendships. I have no choice but to accept that others fade away over time. I continue to savor the memories of these friendships, but without remaining emotionally attached to them.
I think the key is not to regret anything, to accept this natural sorting out, to savor those friendships that overcome the obstacles and last in spite of everything... and to learn to let go of those that wither and slacken, while appreciating the good they have brought us.
Redrawing our long-distance relationships
The main task as an expatriate is to do everything, we can to cultivate the long-distance friendships that really matter to us. It's not always easy to nurture our social relationships despite the distance, but it is possible.
What we need is:
Accept that our friendships and family relationships are changing.
Our exchanges take on a different form. Here too, quality takes precedence over quantity! It's no longer a question of seeing each other regularly and sharing the many details of daily life, but rather of having quality exchanges: talking about the essentials, in-depth subjects, having meaningful conversations and sharing the most important moments.
Approach our relationships differently.
We change when we move abroad, and our friends change in their own environment. We may not evolve in quite the same way, but each experience has its value and interest. Sometimes the person who stays behind is a little intimidated by the new life of their expatriate or humanitarian friend, or even accompanying spouse. It's up to us to be open, curious and willing to listen. We're the ones who left, let's not forget that. We shouldn't impose our views, our experiences or our adventures, and we should make sure that, above all, we value our friends' daily lives.
Devoting time to our friends and family, even at a distance.
That's the key, of course. To last, a relationship needs to be nurtured. This means devoting time and attention to them: talking on the phone or by email, thinking about birthdays and special occasions, sending a Christmas card, writing a note, sharing our joys and sorrows. Being as present as possible.
Don't have any expectations when it comes to friendships.
One of the secrets to preserving long-distance friendships is not to have too high expectations. They're all very different. With some of my friends, I'm in regular contact, while with others, who are just as important to me, I rarely talk to them. But that doesn't change our friendship! When we see each other again, we have a really good time together. It's just the way it works that's different. And in both cases, I know that if anything goes wrong, they'll be there!
Accepting the imperfection of our friendships and family relationships.
For me, the hardest thing to live with is when a friend is going through a difficult time and I'm not there to help by being present and listening. I develop a kind of guilt, with this unpleasant feeling of powerlessness! And yes, there's no real solution here... except to accept the imperfection of our friendship, caused by the distance. We can't offer more than a presence from a distance. That said, we can sometimes be surprised to realize that even if we're not physically there, what we bring, this very different kind of support, also helps them... differently. And the advantage of our quality relationships is that they also understand our limitations and imperfections!
Being creative to strengthen our relationships.
If our long-distance friendships don't suit us, it's up to us to be creative and look for ways to feel closer to our loved ones, despite the distance. I have friends who have set up a blog so that their loved ones back home can follow their adventures abroad. A lot of my friends have set up WhatsApp groups: one for family, another for a group of friends, another for former colleagues, and so on. It's also a more effective way of keeping in touch, even if it's a little less intimate. I have a client in the humanitarian sector who decided to write a long letter to someone close to them to strengthen ties and say things that they had needed to say for a long time. Being creative in how we shape our relationships with other is key.
Gratitude for our relationships with others.
And finally, an extremely interesting tip: regularly expressing your gratitude to those close to you, despite the distance. My favorite way is to write a letter of gratitude to someone who means a lot to me. It's a way of feeling closer to them and letting them know how much they mean to me. In this article, I talk in more detail about the power of gratitude to strengthen our relationships with others: The power of gratitude as an expat.
My experience of long-distance relationships on expatriation.
Throughout my many expatriations, I've been lucky enough to develop unique friendships. Some of these friendships were one-offs, lasting only as long as an expatriation. Others are still going strong and will probably last forever. All of them, without exception, have enriched me and continue to enrich me.
I'm also incredibly lucky to have managed to retain some extremely strong friendships that date back to my childhood, from primary school onwards. And this even though I went abroad at the age of 21, thousands of miles away (and at a time without internet and mobile phones). And this despite our having had totally different experiences!
I missed some important events. Unfortunately, I wasn't always there to celebrate round numbers, weddings or births. From their point of view too, there's a whole part of my life that they simply don't know about and others that they know very little about. For example, before we got married, a lot of my friends had only met my future husband once (I met him in the field)!
Despite everything, when we get together, the moments we share are precious and harmonious. And above all, I know I can count on them. Today, after all these years apart, we often say that the distance has strengthened our friendship!
I think the secret between us is that we've always managed to keep an open mind, never judgmental, to appreciate our differences and above all... to have been ready to take up the challenge of developing our friendships, with what each of us had to bring to it at different times in our lives!
Conclusion
If I had to sum up what I think makes long-distance relationships successful, it's : appreciating the quality of those that last and letting go of those that fade (while continuing to savor what they have brought us), learning to redesign them together, accepting that they change, approaching them differently, taking the time to nurture them, not having any particular expectations, accepting the imperfection of our long-distance friendships, being creative...always!
So, what about you? How have you redesigned your friendships? Who can you count on? Which relationship(s) would you like to deepen and cherish? What can you do to strengthen the ones you don't have, or agree to let go? Are there people you could or should get back in touch with?
To take concrete action, you can pick up your agenda straight away and plan to call a friend, replace a TV evening with writing a letter or a note of gratitude, and plan some real quality time with the people who matter to you!
It's vital to attach special importance to our long-distance relationships... for our own happiness as well as that of our friends!
PS: Regarding the research mentioned above, if you'd like to find out more, I invite you to watch this very interesting TED TALK: Robert Waldinger: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | TED