As an expatriate, humanitarian worker or accompanying spouse, developing good listening skills is essential in many situations. And yet it's not always easy!
Dr. Brené Brown's research on shame has shown that what people need most is to be heard!
In this respect, the most incredible gift we can give to the people around us is to be heard! A space to reflect and express out loud what they think and feel.
The importance of listening in expat and humanitarian situations.
Developing good listening skills is essential in all kinds of expatriate and humanitarian situations.
Whether it's with people from a different culture with whom we live and work on a daily basis, or with our children when preparing to leave or return from expatriation, or with family and friends who have stayed in your country of origin. It's also essential for humanitarian aid workers who have to deal with people who are often in great difficulty. In fact, one of the factors most often cited as a challenge during expatriation is the relationship with others, particularly with our loved ones back home.
For all these situations and many others, the key to success lies in listening to those around us! But listening well is extremely difficult!
Many things can get in the way of good listening: our own feelings about what is being said, our desire to help and give advice, sometimes our discomfort with certain emotions, our fear of silence, or our beliefs, judgements, expectations and differences... or even our ego.
I'd like to share a few secrets with you on how to develop good listening skills!
#1 - Listen and just listen.
When someone close to us tells us what they're thinking or feeling, our first instinct is often to offer advice, action, help or support. As a parent, this is even more exacerbated, because we feel we must guide them. It's a natural first instinct, especially when we are faced with difficult emotions such as sadness, anger or shame.
Yet the person sharing their story is often looking for nothing more than to be heard. And the key to feeling heard is to listen without judgement, without advice, without expectation, without projection.
The person to whom we offer this space will find his or her own answers and solutions.
#2 - Questions rather than advice.
Advice, however well-intentioned, is unfortunately often counter-productive. For the simple reason that we're all different. Our brains have constructed a unique mental map based on our personal experiences. Everyone creates their own, which differs from those of others. And it's for this reason that our brain doesn't accept advice from others, which simply doesn't fit in well with its own mental map.
What's more, our brain has been formatted with a strong need for autonomy. It likes to be in charge, to have choice and control.
Rather than advice, our brain much prefers questions. On the one hand, because it functions and thinks in the form of questions. And secondly, because they give it the autonomy it so loves!
Asking questions rather than giving advice allows the person sharing their story to feel like a player and in charge of finding solutions. Advice may come later, when it is explicitly requested.
#3 - Four attitudes for good listening.
To be a good listener, it's useful to adopt a deliberate listening posture. Here are my coaching tactics. In all my coaching sessions, I favor these 4 attitudes:
- Listening without interrupting: It sounds very simple, but it's quite difficult! Really listen, without wondering what the next piece of advice might be, the pertinent remark to make or the next question to ask. Listen and appreciate the silences: give the person you're talking to some real space, where they can think and express themselves out loud!
- Rephrase what has been said: By rephrasing what has been said, we ensure that we have understood correctly, and above all, we give the person we are talking to the opportunity to hear what they have just said, to correct it if necessary and thus to clarify their thoughts a little more.
- Ask questions: As explained above, instead of giving advice, we can ask questions to help them think a little more deeply. Curious, caring questions: ‘What do you need? What are your options?
- Confirmation: Let the other person know that we understand what they are saying, for example by saying ‘What you are saying makes sense because...’, ‘I understand your feel this way...’. Even if we don't entirely agree with what the person is telling us, by confirming what has been said, we are letting them know that we understand, without bringing our own judgement to bear on the situation.
#4 - How to ask good questions.
There are good questions and bad questions. Here are a few tips to help you identify the right questions.
- Open-ended questions: Make sure that the answer is not just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but requires some thought. Instead of ‘Are you angry?’, say ‘How could you describe what you're feeling?’ or ‘What exactly are you angry about? Start your questions with ‘How...? What...? What...?
- Questions without intention: Avoid leading questions that give the answers or push in one direction. Instead of ‘Wouldn't you be better off changing friends?’, ask ‘What do you think of your friends? Instead of saying ‘Shouldn't you do that?’, ask ‘What could you do?
- Avoid the ‘why?’: The ‘why’ implies a judgement. Rather than saying ‘Why did you do that?’, ask ‘If you could do it again, what would you do differently?’.
- Questions about feelings: Focus on how the person feels, rather than what they say: ‘How did you feel when he said that?’, ‘What do you think of what she did?’.
- My favorite questions: The questions I find particularly useful, because they help us find solutions and move forward, are: ‘What are your choices?’, ‘What do you want?’, ‘What do you need?’, ‘What would you say to your best friend in this same situation?’
- By simply listening and being curious: Without judgement or expectations, we naturally find the questions we need to ask.
#5 - Additional tips for good listening
- Put yourself in the other person's shoes: Put yourself in the other person's shoes, see the situation from their perspective (according to their experience, age, character, situation). Try to feel what they are feeling... and don't let your feelings get the better of you!
- Don't judge: Don't judge the situation or the person, don't project your own opinion, fears or desires. Comments like ‘Your friend doesn't deserve you’ or ‘You're wonderful and they'll soon realize it’ are judgements, even if they are positive, which don't help the person to move forward.
- Don't try to reassure at all costs: ‘Don't worry, I'll be fine’ gives the feeling that you're not being heard. Instead, say ‘I understand how you feel’ and follow up with questions such as ‘What do you need?’ or ‘What support would be helpful?
- Silence is king: Leaving silences opens the door for unexpected things to come out. Silences are powerful, as I see every day in my coaching sessions. Intentionally leaving time for the other person to think, not filling in the silences at all costs... it's often in these moments, in these silences, that the other person will have a ‘Eureka’ moment, an idea, a solution!
And for the most sensitive situations:
- Confidentiality: Depending on the circumstances, remind people that everything discussed remains confidential. This simple reminder of confidentiality is reassuring and encourages a discussion based on trust.
- Replace ‘you’ with ‘I’: During sensitive discussions, when we want or need to share our feelings, instead of saying ‘you’, use ‘I’. Instead of saying ‘You could have told me’, say ‘I wish I'd known’.
Conclusion
You need to learn and work on your listening skills! Being a good listener is essential in life, especially when you're working abroad or in the humanitarian sector!
I invite you to try out all these little tips mentioned above! If they work for you, use them as often as possible to anchor them in your heart! Remember that the closer the person is to you, the more difficult it is to be a good listener! Why is that? Because our filters, our fears and our desires color our discussions and reactions. But it's not impossible! You just have to practice over and over again.
If you'd like to tell me more... I'd love to listen to you! Don't hesitate to let me know what you think!