{"id":1613,"date":"2018-11-10T14:14:53","date_gmt":"2018-11-10T14:14:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.dev.nancybonamy.com\/devenir-enfin-son-propre-meilleur-ami\/"},"modified":"2024-11-01T15:00:32","modified_gmt":"2024-11-01T14:00:32","slug":"devenir-enfin-son-propre-meilleur-ami","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nancybonamy.com\/en\/becoming-your-own-best-friend\/","title":{"rendered":"Becoming your own best friend"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Faced with a life or career transition, the challenges of expatriation, the stakes of life as a humanitarian, the difficulties and joys of parenthood, we always find plenty of reasons to criticize ourselves!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example: the guilt of being so far away from our loved ones, our inability to know what we really want, our difficulty in making an important decision, the life choices we impose on our children or our ageing parents, our lack of perseverance in putting in place healthy habits that would enable us to increase our well-being, our need for perfection, our feeling that we always have to put others first. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whatever the origin of our self-criticism, have you ever noticed that what we say to ourselves, we would never say to our best friend?<\/strong> Our little inner voice is terribly harsh and demanding!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This article explains how these self-criticisms get in the way and how it's better to become your own best friend than your worst enemy!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

What is the tone of your inner voice?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Are you one of those people who are known to be a good friend to others, but not at all when it comes to yourself? Most of the people I coach are intransigent with themselves, whereas they are gifted with empathy and compassion when it comes to others! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I've been there too, and I still must be very careful to give myself the same compassion that I easily give to others. When I listen to my little inner voice, I often realize that it speaks to me in a way it would never dare to speak to others: \u201cYou're useless! You're old! You're not capable of...! You can't do this or say that! But what about you? How do you talk to yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Imagine your reaction to a child who is struggling at school. You're going to feel compassion for them, but you're also going to be sympathetic, offering them your help, helping them to adopt the right learning techniques. You're not going to add to their misery by denigrating and belittling them! Are you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when you're the one having trouble? Do you immediately criticize yourself or do you give yourself a little compassion and support?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-criticism discourages, whereas self-compassion motivates!<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u200bKirstin Neff<\/a>, a specialist in self-compassion, wrote in her book \u2018Self-compassion. The proven power to be kind to yourself\u2019: \u2018You must stop judging and evaluating yourself once and for all. Stop labelling yourself as \u2018good\u2019 and \u2018bad\u2019, and simply accept yourself with a wide-open heart. Give yourself as much care, kindness and compassion as you would give to a dear friend or even a stranger. However, we are often our own harshest judge\u2019.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Offering ourselves self-compassion does not mean lowering our standards and being too lenient with ourselves. It simply means treating ourselves in the same way we would treat a friend who is going through something difficult, even if our friend has made a mistake, feels inadequate or is going through a complicated time. This includes speaking kindly to each other, encouraging and motivating each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contrary to the well-established myth in our society, self-criticism does not motivate!<\/strong> On the contrary, it discourages, whereas self-compassion motivates!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Become our inner ally to help us change!<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

By granting ourselves self-compassion we become our inner ally, instead of our inner enemy. This is what will enable us to take better care of ourselves, as explained in this article:\u00a0\u2018Expatriates, parents, humanitarians: taking care of yourself is an act of generosity.\u2019<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Through self-compassion, we discover what our needs are, start to take care of ourselves and put in place positive habits for our health and well-being. Self-compassion is essential for change.<\/strong> Without self-compassion, it's difficult to put in place what we need to thrive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Accept our imperfections to bounce back!<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Research into self-compassion has exploded over the last decade. It has shown that people who show themselves compassion are happier, have higher levels of life satisfaction, more motivation, more self-confidence, better relationships with others and better physical health. They also have the resilience to cope with stressful events. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learning to accept our imperfections gives us the resilience we need to bounce back!<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How can we give ourselves self-compassion? <\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As Kirstin Neff explains: \u2018Giving compassion to others implies a benevolent attitude towards those who are in pain, so that the desire to help them, to alleviate their suffering, emerges. Self-compassion is born of the recognition of our fragility and the imperfection inherent in the human condition\u2019. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is what we can allow ourselves: to learn to become a friend to ourselves, especially when we need it most! <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first question to ask yourself to give yourself a little kindness is: WHAT DO I NEED?<\/mark><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kirstin Neff also explains that the most complete way to give yourself self-compassion includes these three key elements: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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  • Kindness to ourselves: <\/strong>treating ourselves as we would a friend, with kindness.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • Common humanity: <\/strong>Accepting that we are human. Humans, by definition, are imperfect. What you feel and experience, you are not alone. Others have been there. We're all in the same boat!<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • Mindfulness:<\/strong> Being attentive and aware of what we are experiencing and feeling. Being with our pain long enough to give it loving attention and kindness.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    To help you develop your self-compassion, she suggests several exercises, a small selection of which can be found here:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    #1: Give yourself a break from self-compassion <\/mark><\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    When you're going through a difficult moment and you realize that you're criticizing yourself, give yourself a break by saying to yourself instead:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n
    • This is a time of pain, suffering and difficulty.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Pain, challenges and difficulties are part of life. <\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • I'm being kind to myself, giving myself help and support. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n


      #2: Change your self-criticism<\/mark><\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
        \n
      • Write down your self-talk or think about how you use self-criticism as a motivator. <\/li>\n\n\n\n
      • See if you can use a kinder, more caring and respectful way to motivate yourself to make the change you need. <\/li>\n\n\n\n
      • From now on, whenever you catch yourself being self-critical: note the pain and give yourself compassion by rephrasing your self-talk to be more encouraging and helpful.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

        #3 : Demandez-vous comment vous traiteriez un ami dans cette m\u00eame situation<\/mark><\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

        D\u00e8s que vous commencez \u00e0 vous critiquer, posez-vous cette question \u00ab Comment est-ce que je traiterais un ami dans cette m\u00eame situation ? \u00bb Que diriez-vous et que feriez-vous pour votre ami dans un contexte similaire  ? Faites la m\u00eame chose pour vous !<\/mark><\/p>\n\n\n\n

        #4: Give yourself gestures of self-compassion<\/mark><\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

        By making a gesture of self-compassion, you give yourself a feeling of security and comfort, like a parent does for a child. You can choose the gesture that suits you best: cross your arms so as to hug yourself, place your hands on your heart or stomach, one of your hands tenderly holds the other. Try it, it's quite surprising to realize the positive effect these gestures have on you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Conclusion<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

        The key to coping with transition, moving towards your goals, finding solutions, making decisions, bouncing back from difficulties, improving your well-being... is to be kind to yourself. That's what will enable you to change and move forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Personally, learning to talk to myself better has enabled me to silence my perfectionism, to dare to be myself, to accept my vulnerability and to fulfil myself better every day. By becoming my own best friend, I think I've become even more empathetic with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        It's not easy to become your own best friend. I also see this with my clients, most of whom need to learn to accept themselves better in order to create the life that makes them happy! This takes time, because self-criticism is a reflex thought that has been ingrained in us for a long time. To become your own best friend, give yourself patience and time: give yourself self-compassion! \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Your feedback is always welcome, so don't hesitate to share it!<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        Face \u00e0 une transition de vie ou carri\u00e8re, aux d\u00e9fis de l\u2019expatriation, aux enjeux de sa vie d’humanitaire, aux difficult\u00e9s et joies de la parentalit\u00e9, nous trouvons toujours un bon nombre de raisons pour nous auto-critiquer ! Par exemple: la culpabilit\u00e9 d\u2019\u00eatre si loin de nos proches, notre incapacit\u00e9 \u00e0 savoir ce que nous voulons […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":15409,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1613","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-prendre-soin-de-mon-bien-etre-de-mon-energie","category-confiance-en-moi"],"blocksy_meta":{"background":{"desktop":{"background_type":"color","background_pattern":"type-1","background_image":{"attachment_id":null,"x":0,"y":0},"gradient":"linear-gradient(135deg,rgba(6,147,227,1) 0%,rgb(155,81,224) 100%)","background_repeat":"repeat","background_size":"auto","background_attachment":"scroll","patternColor":{"default":{"color":"#e5e7ea"}},"overlayColor":{"default":{"color":"CT_CSS_SKIP_RULE"}},"backgroundColor":{"default":{"color":"#ffffff"}}},"tablet":{"background_type":"color","background_pattern":"type-1","background_image":{"attachment_id":null,"x":0,"y":0},"gradient":"linear-gradient(135deg,rgba(6,147,227,1) 0%,rgb(155,81,224) 100%)","background_repeat":"repeat","background_size":"auto","background_attachment":"scroll","patternColor":{"default":{"color":"#e5e7ea"}},"overlayColor":{"default":{"color":"CT_CSS_SKIP_RULE"}},"backgroundColor":{"default":{"color":"#ffffff"}}},"mobile":{"background_type":"color","background_pattern":"type-1","background_image":{"attachment_id":null,"x":0,"y":0},"gradient":"linear-gradient(135deg,rgba(6,147,227,1) 0%,rgb(155,81,224) 100%)","background_repeat":"repeat","background_size":"auto","background_attachment":"scroll","patternColor":{"default":{"color":"#e5e7ea"}},"overlayColor":{"default":{"color":"CT_CSS_SKIP_RULE"}},"backgroundColor":{"default":{"color":"#ffffff"}}}},"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"[data-prefix=\"single_blog_post\"] {background-color:#ffffff;background-image:none;}","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":7}},"yoast_head":"\nDevenir son propre meilleur ami ! - 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